Friday, September 25, 2009

September 25th 2009, Existential issues

Days unemployed: 12

Number of resumes submitted: 20

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 973.91 (love unexpected paychecks)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 15

Days without S-bux: uninspired to blog. May appear that I have funds for coffee addiction but must not touch if to make rent.

Met with someone from a nonprofit organization about doing some volunteer work. May be a good idea to keep busy and productive, even if not being paid. Very desperate for something to do. Days of sending out resumes and scouring job postings, knitting, walking around the block for no reason, starting to slowly whittle away at morale. Crawling up walls. Need something to do.

Therapist asks: what do I do for fun? No fun. Fun is something people with jobs have. Therapist also asks: do I define myself by the work that I do? Answer: yes. Without work I don’t feel like anything. So much of my life has been defined by what I do that I don’t feel like I am anything outside of that. Very troubling existential problem many jobless people face. Don’t have sense of self. Feel empty inside.

Was doing good cutting down on cigarettes until realized September is almost over and I still have no interviews lined up. Don’t even have any really good leads at the moment. Considering Banana Republic.

Actually ironed clothes yesterday. Haven’t done that in a while. Felt strange putting on the button up shirt and taking my leather bag instead of the canvas one I’ve been using. Felt like a fraud, like I was a little kid dressing up like his parents and pretending to go to work. Such a strange feeling. Weird sets of emotions. Go from feeling okay to depressed, to angry, to jealous, to brief moments of happiness then afraid, and annoyed, desperate. Unemployment: the every emotion.

Came downtown for no reason today. Went all the way to the bursar only to realize that I had direct deposit. So, went to Argo to use internet. Got Hibiscus chiller and spinach quiche. Going to go smoke more and feel sorry for self.

Kind Regards,


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