To Whom It May Concern

October 10th 2009, Lazy

2009-10-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Been lazy this weekend, spent the whole day watching America's Next Top Model on Bravo. Picture of me and boyfriend's kitty watching TV:

Going to see Kathy Griffin tonight at the Chicago Theater. Yay for early birthday presents. Got to spend the whole day at home with boyfriend yesterday, it was fantastic. Really enjoying these lazy days, but still need to get myself pumped for this interview with the chiropractor.

Kind Regards,

Zack

October 8th 2009, One word

2009-10-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 25

Number of resumes submitted: 32

Number of interviews: 3

Bank balance: 386.56 (downright disturbing)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 30

“Due to the number of blind responses to a craigslist ad, we only review responses for those who may have actually read the ad. To confirm that you've read this ad, please forward resume and include only ONE word in your response. The ONE word should be one that describes you.”

My word: stellar.

I know, I know. Haven’t had my S-bux today.

October 7th 2009, Measly peanuts

2009-10-07T08:44:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 24

Number of resumes submitted: 29

Number of interviews: 3

Bank balance: 386.56 (downright disturbing)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 28

The progression of a bad mood often happens the same way with me. I struggle to do everyday things like shower and put on deodorant. Rather than buying groceries I just order a pizza. Rather than talk to people about my feelings I talk to whatever book I’m reading, and expect the authors (Jonathan Franzen, Joan Didion, Rick Moody) to answer me in some way, listen to Norah Jones, agonize over the homeless man in the rain trying to hold his change cup out without getting it full of water or dropping the change out.

Errant thought: Am reminded of conversation between my mother and my sister—Sister was talking about how stingy she could be with her money, a likely trait for someone studying Business. My mother likened the behavior to clinging fiercely to her chest, trying not to drop any of her “measly peanuts.” She went on to say that if you hold out your arms you risk dropping some but are more able to accept more coming in. Moral of story: don’t be afraid of losing money, rather, make sure you’re prepared to accept more coming in. My sister suggested another alternative, to put her measly peanuts in a 401k and let them multiply on their own.

On topic: the call DID finally come, but was merely a formality to inform me that the position had been offered to someone else. So, that’s the end of that story. My mother, eternally optimistic (and celebrating her birthday today, happy birthday Mum), insists that the interview with a chiropractor coming up must be ”THE JOB,” because of the irony of the situation (for many years she was a secretary for various chiropractors).

We’ll see. Slept on a pile of (clean) laundry two nights ago because I didn’t have the energy to move it. Not that I did that much on Monday, but being depressed takes a lot out of you. Had a dream that Katherine Heigl was my best friend (?), and woke up in time to say goodbye to the boyfriend.

Forgot to mention that I went to Michigan over the weekend to spend the night with friends of the boyfriend at their lakeside house. Went on a boat, sat by fire, fell asleep prematurely after a riveting Wii bowling match that I decided to sit out. Spent a whole night away from S-bux and police sirens.

Rainy and cold yesterday, decided to make chili. Of course, made it far too spicy for anyone but myself to eat. Future note: one habanero goes a long way, six habeneros is, uh, lethal apparently. Boyfriend tried his hardest to eat it and was really sweet about it but I learned my lesson. Certainly not going to pull that when I go home and cook for the family.

Okay, off to go write the next great American short story.

Kind Regards,

Zack

October 5th 2009, Waiting for the call

2009-10-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

Today I waited for the phone call that was supposed to come. When I interviewed the woman told me that she believed that if I could take the effort to come in and interview she owed it to me to call whether or not she was going to offer me a job. Two months ago me would find some positive optimistic way to look at this situation. I would tell myself that they were just deliberating extra hard and they were probably saving the best phone call for last. I would feel okay. I might post something hopeful and call my mother. But, the truth of the situation is I just didn’t get the job. And they’re not going to call to tell me that. If I email I’ll get a short apologetic email back saying they were simply swamped. Two months ago me would have bounced right back and found comfort in the fact that I have another interview with a chiropractor in a week. But, now I just feel like the job search is endlessly hopelessly more of the same. Everyone says I just have to keep doing what I’m doing and eventually something will come through for me, and I will, I just don’t know how many more times I can interview for positions, get myself really excited about the mediocre jobs I’m applying for, put on a pair of khakis, say all the right things, shake hands with people in the hire me kind of way.

Had an episode in S-bux today. I ran into a girl I knew from school and we talked for a while, nothing out of the ordinary. Then she left and I just completely lost it and went into the bathroom and cried for ten minutes. I’m not exactly the type to cry about things, I’ll admit that it happens once in a while, but it rarely just sneaks up on me like that. I just felt completely and utterly hopeless, like I made all the wrong choices, like I’m not worth anything. Then I decided to buy myself a burger and a martini to make me feel better. And I will admit, it did help. Especially because the bartender listened when I said A LOT of olives and the glass was positively swimming with them. Then I went home and watched chick flicks. Then I watched videos of people being frightened on Youtube.

It was a mental health day, just, without the mental health.

That’s all for now. Since I didn’t send out any resumes today I’ll have to make up for it tomorrow.

Kind Regards,

Zack

October 5th 2009, Do these pants make my butt look employable?

2009-10-05T09:20:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 22

Number of resumes submitted: 28

Number of interviews: 3

Bank balance: 926.07 (okay I gave in and bought myself a drink, or three)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 26

Interview went swimmingly. The veterinary clinic is in a little townhouse off the brown line that was very quaint and welcoming. Everyone there was really nice. Got to hang out with the other receptionists for a while and ask questions and get to know the place a little better. All in all very hopeful. They also had the cutest little one eyed dog. Must admit that working with animals would be such a huge perk to getting a job right now, might even make me consider getting a little puppy of my own. Boyfriend thinks this is a silly impractical idea. May be right.

Will find out today if I got the job. Suspense killing me. Don’t even care about the whole Olympic thing, completely obsessed with my phone right now, waiting to get that call.

Wore the absolute cutest pants I could find to interview, made my butt look very employable.

Okay, time to wait for that call.

Kind Regards,

Zack

October 1st 2009, Networking working

2009-10-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 18

Number of resumes submitted: 28

Number of interviews: 3

Bank balance: 951.63

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 21

Have second interview with veterinary clinic, very excited for this. Position could actually be a very good fit for me. Working with college students: very similar to working with animals. Chances of being bitten, pissed on, or scratched: comparable. What can I say, art students are rowdy. Found out that the veterinary clinic received over 400 resumes for one job posting and I was one of fifteen that they contacted and one of only 6 that they chose for an in-person interview. Much more happy dance. I think this might be the job I finally land. This blog could very soon become my employment blog.

Errant thought: Aaron Schock good candidate for nemesis for a number of reasons. 1. Has abs, certainly a detestable attribute. 2. The whole youngest man in congress thing, don’t trust young people. 3. This whole I’m a young cute republican changing the face of conservatives shtick. Because for every Aaron Schock, there’s about a hundred old bloated Rush Limbaughs. Just saying: hot republicans not to be trusted.

Had a meeting with man from events company yesterday. Got me contact info for some other promising sources for freelance work if nothing works out.

But, get this, just got a call about another interview for a chiropractor’s assistant. So glad that the phone calls are FINALLY beginning to come in.

Now, for slight dilemma: both veterinary clinic and chiropractor are located at weird places in Chicago. Getting there isn’t difficult per se, but it’s awkward. I can either take two busses, a train and a bus, or a train and A LOT of walking. Then for the chiropractor it involves taking the red line in one direction, transferring to the brown line and taking that back in the direction I came from. So, no matter what there’s going to be a train or bus transfer involved. But, at this point, I’m willing to go to Glencoe, IL if I think it’ll pay my rent.

On that subject I actually got an email for a potential fourth interview, BUT, and this is most certainly an all caps ‘but,’ the position is in Glencoe, and it’s an internship, and it’s part time, and I’d have to take a bus, the metra and another bus. So, did some soul searching, and I really can’t reasonably afford that commute even if I wanted to do that much running around for a job that might not even turn into a full time position. And I do really hate to be picky at this juncture, but I have to be realistic about commute. If it takes more than an hour or costs more than six dollars one direction it’s really not a realistic commute. I mean, really, I used to be able to get from philly to new york in a little over two hours. Granted it would cost fifty bucks to take the Amtrack. Chicago has truly great public transit, arguably, but there is the unfortunate problem that there a pockets of the city that are just generally not easy to get to unless you drive. It’s why I never see my friends who live in west town, because it would take me an hour and a half to get out there.

Having a good week though. Everyone wish me luck on interview, that is, unless you enjoy my unemployed ramblings, you sadist you.

Also, broke S-bux loyalty the other day for a orange mocha with an extra shot from Lavazza. Really a lovely coffee shop, and sometimes cheaper than S-bux.

And on that note of to shower, get coffee, quick bite, then off to beast this interview.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 28th 2009, A small minority

2009-09-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

“Listeners to the free Pandora service are limited to a total of 40 hours each month. Only a tiny minority of our listeners will ever reach that limit…”

Suffice to say being unemployed has actually caused me to reach the 40-hour listening limit on Pandora. Can I go on living?

September 28th 2009, A people person

2009-09-28T16:31:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 15

Number of resumes submitted: 26

Number of interviews: 2 (phone interviews count!)

Bank balance: 951.63

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 19

You read the statistics correctly. Officially have second interview tomorrow with veterinary clinic. Very excited, though may have sold soul to get interview as I described self as “a real people person.” Not sure what that phrase really means but it seems to bring a warm smile to potential employer’s face. I mean, I like people. People are good. I certainly have no problem talking to people or being around them, but I think that the designation of people person belongs more to car salesmen and cashiers at Forever21.

Errant thought: I truly enjoy saying the word croissant. Try it sometime, ‘twill bring joy to your day if you say it with a real French accent. Try replacing the ‘r’ with a bit of ‘w’ action and pronounce ‘sant’ as ‘sont.’ Just, really, a lovely word.

Frustrating: hearing about how my friends piddle away their unemployment. I don’t receive unemployment since I wasn’t technically fired from any job. So hearing about how people squander their money really upsets me. Example: one friend purchased every season of Battlestar Galactica and pink rain boots. Another friend goes out to the bars every night and buys drinks for people. Another: cute Tumi laptop case I had my eye on. Is it as corrupt as giving obnoxious bonuses with government bailout money? No (but on that heinous topic: what is with people including bonuses received on applications and resumes). But it’s still pretty gross. Maybe upset because I don’t have that freedom.

Boyfriend works late Monday nights so stuck home alone.

MS Word: unexpectedly just quit and I’m too lazy to retype everything I wrote after the last line.

Kind Regards,

Zack Eliasz

P.S.

Interviews result in this rare and embarrassing happy dance caught on tape. Even more embarrassing is that I'm listening to Interpol.

September 27th 2009, My boyfriend is a sheep

2009-09-27T12:12:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 14

Number of resumes submitted: 24

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 963.63 (apple juice is expensive)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 18

Been having very strange dreams lately. Not sure what subconscious is trying to tell me. Other week had a dream that I made a giant cake for the boyfriend that he wore as a dress and drama ensued when dress started to melt. Then, last night had a dream that the boyfriend was a sheep and I was using his wool to knit with, but instead of just being a normal sheep he was just like a ball of yarn with a head and he was getting mad at me for knitting him away. Also had a dream that I was shooting people with arrows and they were attacking my apartment that was actually this big castle (which was still under furnished, come on subconscious).

Went to see The September Issue with the boyfriend yesterday. Medium diet coke cost $4.25, very troublesome. Seeing all of those magazine people working kind of reawakened my desire to work for a magazine or some kind of publication. Hopefully I can get in doing publications at this non profit, might even get a change to do some layout or article writing.

Was thinking I might not have had this problem if I had gone to Pratt for writing and done an internship at a real magazine rather than this fake one that I did at my internship at the furniture showroom. Boyfriend still reminds me often that I should have done an internship at his ad agency. Probably right but too late for that now.

Also: getting fed up with Pandora. Music feed: Aimee Mann, Pandora plays: Coldplay. Music feed: Contemporary Folk, Pandora plays: Coldplay. Music Feed: Echo & the Bunnymen , Pandora plays: Coldplay. Before it did this with John Mayer. Every station keeps getting watered down to play bland straight people music. Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson. Must put a stop to this. Also: enough covers of Mad World already. Went through that phase already, lovely song, don’t need to hear it twenty times a day.

Going to another party with the boyfriend tonight. Not really in the mood to be around a bunch of people. But, probably should get out.

Okay, going to browse job postings even though there’s never anything good on Sunday.

Kind Regards,

Zack Eliasz

September 25th 2009, Existential issues

2009-09-25T11:41:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 12

Number of resumes submitted: 20

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 973.91 (love unexpected paychecks)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 15

Days without S-bux: uninspired to blog. May appear that I have funds for coffee addiction but must not touch if to make rent.

Met with someone from a nonprofit organization about doing some volunteer work. May be a good idea to keep busy and productive, even if not being paid. Very desperate for something to do. Days of sending out resumes and scouring job postings, knitting, walking around the block for no reason, starting to slowly whittle away at morale. Crawling up walls. Need something to do.

Therapist asks: what do I do for fun? No fun. Fun is something people with jobs have. Therapist also asks: do I define myself by the work that I do? Answer: yes. Without work I don’t feel like anything. So much of my life has been defined by what I do that I don’t feel like I am anything outside of that. Very troubling existential problem many jobless people face. Don’t have sense of self. Feel empty inside.

Was doing good cutting down on cigarettes until realized September is almost over and I still have no interviews lined up. Don’t even have any really good leads at the moment. Considering Banana Republic.

Actually ironed clothes yesterday. Haven’t done that in a while. Felt strange putting on the button up shirt and taking my leather bag instead of the canvas one I’ve been using. Felt like a fraud, like I was a little kid dressing up like his parents and pretending to go to work. Such a strange feeling. Weird sets of emotions. Go from feeling okay to depressed, to angry, to jealous, to brief moments of happiness then afraid, and annoyed, desperate. Unemployment: the every emotion.

Came downtown for no reason today. Went all the way to the bursar only to realize that I had direct deposit. So, went to Argo to use internet. Got Hibiscus chiller and spinach quiche. Going to go smoke more and feel sorry for self.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 23rd 2009, razor blade commercial

2009-09-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

PSA: when you don't trim your facial hair you look homeless

Before:

After:

P.S. Look at the cute bunny on my shirt:

September 22nd 2009, Bargain bin job hunting

2009-09-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 9

Number of resumes submitted: 15

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 812.16

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 13

Yarn fetish taking over unemployment funds. Absolutely can not stop buying yarn. Don’t know what it is that comes over me when I see a yarn shop or crafts store. Go into frenzied crack addiction mode and start grabbing yarn like crazy, rubbing it on face, sometimes want to dive into bins of yarn and swim in the cushy wool blends. One of the few things that brings comfort right now. So warm and pleasant. Sometimes buy more than need, just because I like being surrounded by balls of yarn like a little gallery of precious bundles of worsted weight joy.

Ran errand for boyfriend today, went to grocery to pick up some basics for soup. Stopped by Walgreens to pick up prescriptions (90.00, frightful really), and of course had to buy two new balls of yarn to continue making hats. Knit one hat this morning and halfway through another one. Trying to get enough together for boyfriend to sell at office. Muggy weather in Chicago today, lots of bugs flying about, especially tiny snot-colored ones that seem quite determined to fly into nose and mouth.

Birds: please eat the excess of bugs outside.

Feel very lost and hopeless. Job search isn’t going very well. If I’m qualified for the job it pays $9.00/hour or it’s some scam job posting or there’s fifty other applicants just like me. Don’t feel worth very much right now. Resent people with marketable skills right now. Couldn’t I have done anything other than creative writing? Surely wouldn’t have been as rewarding but might not be in this predicament. Thought about the Art Institute today. Miss working in the offices there. Felt like I belonged somewhere. Now feel like trying to stuff self into small size H&M clothes because on sale rack. Clearly doesn’t fit but try anyway because it’s on sale. The jobs available to me right now are like the sale rack of employment. There’s always a reason those items went on sale. Either they’re an ugly color or they don’t fit right or all the good sizes are taken and all that’s left is a purple XXXL sweater with a moth hole in it. And even then you consider it because it’s so cheap and maybe if you just tuck it in this way it won’t look so bad.

Wish I had more currency (marketable skills) so wouldn’t have to shop in sale bin (Craigslist job postings).

Don’t know, situation increasingly bleak. Going to go finish this hat and probably run another errand for boyfriend because seems to be only thing capable of doing.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 22nd 2009, Correction

2009-09-22T07:24:00.001-07:00

If you get a phone call from the number 1000000000 it’s not God calling, it’s a debt collector.

September 21st 2009, At least I don't have to call in sick to work

2009-09-21T17:42:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 8

Number of resumes submitted: 12

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 812.16

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 12

Feel ill today. Aldi food starting to take toll on body. Got food poisoning today from Aldi salsa, spent most of the afternoon crouched in front of toilet heaving. Very unpleasant. Worst part: very hungry, almost considered going back to lethal salsa for round two. Feel bad wasting money but must throw salsa away so not tempted by it in future. But what to eat with tortilla chips now? Those destined to go to waste as well?

Anyway, went to Pumping Company for a burger and beer for dinner. File that one under mental health.

Oh, and I have a lovely new cable-knit hat that I made from this olive green alpine wool I got from the fabric store yesterday. It’s super warm and fits perfect. Boyfriend suggestion: make ten more and sell for $45.00 each. My thought: make ten more and hoard them all for self. So difficult to let go of knit goods. Love them dearly. Although, $450.00 would be nice as well. Love paying rent dearly too.

Still feeling under the weather from nasty evil Aldi salsa. Might go lie down. Job postings quite dismal today. Art Institute updates HR page on Tuesdays so might be something new tomorrow. Suspense.

Errant thought: Tom Ford film, slightly excited for, but still think it’ll be complete rubbish.

Also: Got pushed out of way by ten children on skateboards today. Detest rollerchildren. Almost as much as jobbers.

Off to get some rest to heal my tummy.

Kind Regards,

Zack

And hat:

Quite an awful picture of me, really. Facial hair getting out of control. Should really trim.

September 20th 2009, And what do you do for a living?

2009-09-20T09:57:00.001-07:00

Days unemployed: 7 (do weekends count though, or should only count business days?)

Number of resumes submitted: 10

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 824.70 (detest Bank of America’s “Keep the Change” program, slowly whittles away at balance)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 10

Weekend’s welcome break from job search, even unemployed must take break. Fewer job postings on the weekends anyway. Haven’t really been out and about much since unemployed but boyfriend had party to go to, so had to put on happy face and tight jeans (lots of queens, not a flat butt in sight). Would have preferred to stay inside and watch Sweet Home Alabama. In mood for lighthearted comedy. Primary reason for avoiding party with people I don’t know: what do you do for a living is one of the most common things people ask when getting to know you. Knew question would come up at some point in the night. Feel pathetic that can’t find job. Want to be impressive successful boyfriend to be shown off at party, not barely able to support self boyfriend that tries to leave party early.

Spoke to mum again, really want to fly back home for a weekend. However, fear parents might purchase one way ticket in attempt to trap me back in keystone state where there isn’t a S-bux in walking distance and surrounded by people that I went to high school with and still live with parents. Never want to be that person. Worked very hard in college so wouldn’t be that person. And yet: becoming that person. Mum brought up forbidden topic of moving home again, quickly changed subject.

Slightly jealous of peer who graduated at the same time as me, one by one finding jobs, leaving the pool of unemployed graduates smaller with each passing day. Feel lost in a great big fish tank at a pet store. All other fishes chosen before me. Would probably be one of those dinky neon colored fishes that exists to make fish tank seem less empty.

New suggestion: volunteer work. To demonstrate abilities and get foot in door at organization. Could be an interesting way to get into some not for profit sector but hesitant to put time and energy into something that might not pay off. Too easy to exploit people willing to work for free right now. Thus: internships. Was lucky as an undergrad, I had a paid internship with a furniture showroom doing technical writing, some design, and some slightly creative PR writing. But now: little sister finds internship making two dollars more that I’ve ever made. Little sister winning sibling battle to succeed. For longest time was on top, but now sister’s in college and admirable foe. Also: sister going to school for business entrepreneurship, surely will be better off when graduating.

Anyway: boyfriend impatient to go run errands. Shooing me off computer. Might buy some snazzy yarn to make feel better. Funds? Perhaps can trade boyfriend sex for yarn.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 18th 2009, Habituation

2009-09-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 5

Number of resumes submitted: 10

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 825.66 (mustn’t touch if to make rent)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 7 (though one more pending, possibly)

Spoke to mum finally. Very troubled by situation, also very troubled that shopped at Aldi, so sending care package of things that are healthy.

Week one of being unemployed almost over. Can’t believe how time passed. Hours actually go by very quickly. Days have been disappearing. Yet nothing seems to be getting done. I don’t feel any closer to getting a job today than I did five days ago. Had goal of applying to six jobs today but could only find two that I was qualified for. Very upset at number of resumes sent out. Suppose it’s not quantity. Better to find a job that’s a good fit.

Unemployment Survival Kit:

• Plaid flannel pajama bottoms (to be worn indoors and out, all day long, with fly that spontaneously opens exposing same undies as yesterday)

• Go anywhere hoodie (must slump at belly for maximum slovenly appearance)

• Argyle socks (retired from days at the office, now worn with comfortable Adidas sandals, again, indoors and out)

• Dwindling pack of cigarettes (begs question: will quit when depleted?)

• DGNDC (Double Grande Nonfat Dirty Chai, for staying awake through monotony of job search)

• Chips and Salsa (primary source of sustenance)

Habituation: simplest form of learning. Organism consistently encounters stimuli and eventually becomes accustomed to it. Siamese fighting fish, shown its reflection in a mirror, eventually learns to ignore threatening expression and go about fishy business. House pets learn to ignore household noises and neighborhood sounds, unless neighbor’s dog, then never refuses incentive to bark. Or: boyfriend’s cat, still believes that one day, against all hope, will be let outside.

Frequent rejection from jobs: discourages from applying. Yet: must keep applying. Or: homeless. Habituation in city explains close proximity of people, yet mostly ignorant to surrounding people. City people tune out large amounts of stimuli, thus: Roman Polanski films. Neighbors: Satanists, trying to murder you, steal first born.

Unrelated: female chimpanzee imitates human by putting on cosmetics in a mirror, screwing lids off of jars, putting pencil in sharpener and turning handle. With these skills chimpanzee is qualified for many of the jobs I’ve applied for. Now competing for employment against all other primates. Put monkeys in room with computer and eventually will learn Quickbooks.

Errant thought: Other day observed squirrels and birds eating cheesy snacks left outside of trash can by sloppy neighbors. Birds: must eat all food can find, need to eat constantly. But squirrels: must store food, such as nuts. Squirrels need to forage for food that can be stored through the winter months when their food source is unavailable. If squirrel gets fat on cheesy snacks then not storing food for winter. Cheesy snack-eating-squirrels unfit for survival. Neighbors reducing squirrel population marginally and also imposing their own bad nutrition on helpless creatures.

Boyfriend stuck at work until further notice and tonight’s plans to go drinking with friends fell through so stuck up north with nothing to do. Another S-bux run? Think so.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 17th 2009, Making A Living In The Wild

2009-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 4

Number of resumes submitted: 8

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 826.66 (quite lovely, last paycheck came in)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 6

Fundamental concern of animal kingdom: finding food. Thus: foraging. Food must be purchased with currency. For most animals the currency is the effort and time it takes to secure food. Example: lion must chase field creature for (x)amount of time before able to consume gazelle or rabbit or whatever it is that lions eat. People must work certain number of hours for currency for food. When job not available though? Not equipped to chase gazelle, lions not hiring. Job resembles: quick moving prey, must run faster, grow sharper teeth.

Errant thought: Pandora station always becomes watered down and plays nothing but John Mayer. Must avoid this at all costs.

S-bux constitutional successful, but could any walk resulting in a Double Grande Nonfat Dirty Chai be deemed unsuccessful? Think not.

Feel like collared pika, must feed on mediocre greens close to home, otherwise: predation. Downtown dangerous money sucking void, to be avoided at all costs. Less jobbers up north less feelings of resentment.

Situation increasingly dire. In foraging desperation shopped at local Aldi store for groceries. Food not bad or dangerous, just bizarre. Store tiny with no shelves, everything was stacked warehouse style, eerie brightly colored store. Shoppers do not look like shoppers in commercial, more like zombies. Boyfriend likens store to twilight zone, everything looks sort of familiar, but is different, replaced with slightly defective clone. Like Bugs Bunny clones from radioactive carrots. Something slightly off about whole store. No baggers, had to bag own groceries and pay for the bags too. Still quite economical, 21 dollars for weeks worth of groceries.

Met Lika downtown for lunch, her treat. Got massive burrito from Qdoba. Felt ill afterwards. Going to send Lika resume, has friend at insurance company that might be hiring. Got very bizarre email reply today:

“Thanks for showing your Interest,Like i said we are looking for Office Clerk and most of our communication will be done online.

So do you have Yahoo IM (Yahoo Messenger)?

So we can get to chat and i put you through more about the job.

My Yahoo IM id is xxxxxxxxx@ymail.com.Add me to your messenger list so we can get

to talk more or you get back to me wth your Yahoo IM id so i add you

to my messenger list.

Waiting to read from you...”

Seems like creepy fourteen-year-old with too much time on hands. Should send message? Quite shady.

Anyway, boyfriend home soon. Going to watch Project Runway tonight. Very excited. Nice to have boyfriend home at reasonable hour. Lately been working late lots of nights. Jealous. Remember having to work late, miss having work. Feel sluggish. Going outside seems less and less appealing. Mostly want to crawl back into bed and become blanket caterpillar. Might do now.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 16th 2009, Animal Behavior

2009-09-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 3

Number of resumes submitted: 7

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 161.54 (though groceries pending)

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 4

Animals often function in consistent predictable ways, AKA fixed action patterns. The albatross in mating season, quite randy, performs dance for female, AKA courtship. Male of species exhibits pretty dance moves, healthy plume, and gets lucky. Related action: man follows me ten blocks from Rogers Park to Andersonville on morning S-bux constitutional. Leers often and walks up to me and asks if I want to hang out, which in the gay universe (genus: homo, species: erectus) means I want blowjob. Informed homo erectus: have great partner, no touchy. All gay men same, Boystown population: 1.

Errant thought: mnemonic device for remembering animal classifications (kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species, variety) King Peter Came Over From Germany Seeking Variety.

S-bux constitutional otherwise successful. Ordered coffee, medium, dreadfully over-roasted, but more economical than drink of choice: The Double Grande Nonfat Dirty Chai, AKA crack in a paper cup. Love everything about the drink, perfect temperature, sweetness of chai leveraged by bitterness of espresso, frothy, delightful. Things that bring joy: boyfriend, DGNDC, both warm and delicious. Oh, and pizza, but also can be cold and delicious.

Trying to motivate self to write cover letter for rover position at Art Institute. Can handle more rejection from same institution? Dreading the awful process. Cover letter received by some evil hoofed ungulate in HR department with spiny tail and horns. Cover letter filed away never to be seen again, until purged from office one year later in a giant shred bin.

Errant thought: S-bux two-finned mermaid filthy and provocative looking. Always shown spreading fins in pornographic way with wild tousled sex hair. Suggest mermaid should cross legs like a lady.

Falling into own fixed action pattern: apply for jobs, drink coffee, masturbate, knit hats. So discouraged by lack of things to do that tempted to put on blazer, ride the train downtown, and walk around as if very busy. Try to blend in with the jobbers. Detest jobbers at the moment. Always looking at PDAs and swinging briefcases. Jobbers, order: rodentia, scurrying around the exercise ball of life, worst classification of animalia right now. Feel very incompetent. Wont lie, misspelled incompetent until spell check corrected. Shame ensues.

Sat around figuring out can make funny abnormal face with lips. Made video of action and took picture of self wearing newest knit hat.

Now time to go on adventure to Aldi for groceries. Funds getting low though. Getting paid Friday, last paycheck, much anxiety.

Kind Regards,

Zack Eliasz

PS: you didn't think I'd finish this post without said video and picture, did you?

Edit: just realized webcam records sound as well, embarrassment about awful music playing in background, coming from Pandora station. Deepest apologies

September 15th 2009, Job Market Constipated

2009-09-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 2

Number of resumes submitted: 6

Number of interviews: 1

Bank balance: 183.73

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 3

Woke up early to see doctor this morning. Friend of boyfriend revised resume and forwarded to potential employers. I, personally, liked my resume before. It was simple, conveyed my experiences, was one page, easy to glance through. Used a very lovely font. However, employers seem to want bland Microsoft word document resume in Arial. Objectives bother me. Objective is clearly to find job so not homeless in a month. However, revised objective is: Creative, high energy and detail oriented marketing and communications professional seeking an entry level career opportunity with a progressive firm in corporate marketing/communications, public relations, event planning or graphic design.

I wouldn’t really describe myself as high energy and I suspect that is some resume code for just out of college.

Doctor’s office very dull, watched Martha Stewart make a duck bench. Noticed many commercials about fiber in cereals, fiber supplements, irregular bowels. Perhaps fiber is new consumer buzzword. Tough economic times lead to digestive unrest. Job market is constipated, suggest economy take some fiber.

Not dying, doctor assured me. Doctor usually says something flirty like, “Sit over here so I can look at you more.” Calls me handsome.

After doctor, went to apply for office clerk position at downtown law firm. Suspected meager turnout because of the whole apply in person thing. While I was applying at least twenty other people came in to apply for the same job and they were all in their thirties, forgive me ladies, but I could tell, and wearing business suits. Lots of pumps and Coach handbags. Felt very underdressed in wrinkled khakis and button down from H&M. One woman asked me how many and I didn’t know what she meant and then she asked me again how many resumes I’d submitted. Since unemployed only six. She had submitted close to 100. I looked at her resume and it was very sloppy and poorly formatted but I told her it looked nice. Very uncomfortable. Also: very hot in office, was sweating profusely. Had to take aptitude test involving math. Dreadful flashbacks to standardized testing. If a man bought televisions for 3500 dollars and sold for 5500 dollars and made a profit of 50.00 per television how many televisions were involved? Which word is most opposite the word SOW? Interviewed with woman who told me the job was very easy and anyone could do it and asked me if I had any questions. I’ll find out tomorrow if I got the position and it starts on Thursday and goes for a week. Hopefully could make enough to pay rent.

Ate lunch at Potbelly, much guilt ensued, 7.80 for a diet coke an sandwich.

Boyfriend at work late tonight, so must forage for sustenance. Considering buying groceries at Aldi, surely a dire food situation to be considering this.

Day two of unemployment very dull, worse than Monday. Each day will be worse, I can tell. Can only apply to so many jobs in one day, how to fill time? Making cute knitted hats with ear flaps, many of them, two finished already and a third on the way. Never thought I would be this person. Don’t recognize self, readily abandoning days to sweatpants and over processed food, not showering regularly, not shaving as much as should, not talking to friends. Feel lonely and cut off from the world. Therapist suggests support groups, volunteer work. No good. Out of shampoo and body wash, but trying to conserve funds. To purchase or not? Might call mother for pep talk. Mother brought up forbidden topic last time: moving back home to Pennsylvania. Frightening thought. Must avoid this topic. Several people suggest: move in with boyfriend. Doesn’t seem logistically sound.

Very bleak, going to go smoke another cigarette and read book about animal behavior.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 14th, 2009, hot pockets

2009-09-14T18:50:00.000-07:00

Note to self: absolutely will not spill Hot Pockets filling on borrowed books. Will start taking better care of things in general, such as: no more washing things made out of wool, and especially no drying them. Wash jeans inside out. One day: dry clean shirts. I’ll get there.

Hot Pockets for dinner because no food present in refrigerator. Smoked another cigarette on the way to CVS to buy rations. Always feel guilty spending money, especially on food. Should be able to live off one meal a day. Rationale: not very active, one meal should sustain. Bought a diet coke, price was staggering. $1.58 plus a very steep tax. Should drink more water to save money and also to benefit over-taxed liver. Hot pockets miraculously two for $5.00.

On the topic of Hot Pockets: is there a person in the world who eats just one? Thoughts drift to Slimfast, used to drink with meal until discovered disturbing caloric intake. I’m very jealous of people who can eat proper portions of food. Example: one roll of sushi. I went to Osaka on Michigan avenue last Thurs. and ordered two rolls and was still hungry and had to eat some chips and a Little Debbie and an old granola bar I found in my bag to feel nourished. Belly pending. Anxiety about getting older with belly and without job.

Crushed about 20 ants to make myself feel better. Ants taking over apartment, crawling on all tactile surfaces in the kitchen except: table. Table is the safe zone. Will only eat food that can be prepared on table.

Boyfriend is working late tonight, won’t be home till close to eleven. Three more hours to kill. Will shower and reward myself with another cigarette. Work on new story for writers group. Iron shirt to wear tomorrow so I can look employable. Advertised on Craiglist: apply in person for secretarial job. Must bother boyfriend to use his printer to print out copies of resume, ideally on nice paper with watermark or some other nice paper characteristic. Doctor appointment tomorrow, probably not dying but still. Liver not well. Laying off the drink. Somewhat. Eyes very yellow the other day, almost catlike, surely a sign of failing liver. Friend of boyfriend rubbed some pressure points that are supposed to release toxins from liver. Also: spleen not well. Also: adrenals. Will drink less coffee and more water.

Wasted no time watching porn today, this is vast improvement over last week. Also, eating less pizza. Have a bit of a pizza problem.

Number of pizzas eaten last week: 4

Number of pizzas eaten this week: 1.5 (hot pockets were pizza flavored)

Listening to easy listening Pandora station. Two Ben Folds songs in a row, bad station, should listen to something else. Dread doctor appointment tomorrow. Must ask difficult questions about insurance ending. What to do about medications necessary for living? Also: dying?

Can’t believe I survived first Monday without Job. Hope something comes through soon, not that I don’t enjoy blogging, but I do very much enjoy having a job and money to do laundry. Clean shirts remaining: 2. Yikes. Need to be out of apartment, no cable and no air conditioning is no good for me. Stir craziness has led to an increase of knitting. Now knitting cozies for kitchen appliances. Likelihood of upsetting roommate with excessive knitwear: high. Boyfriend is fed up with knitting, unless for profit. Refuses offer to knit cozy for any item in his apartment.

More tomorrow. Must shower now.

Kind Regards,

Zack

September 14th, 2009, errand for boyfriend

2009-09-14T15:05:00.000-07:00

Days unemployed: 1

Number of resumes submitted: 3

Number of interviews: 0

Bank balance: 201.29

Number of Starbucks beverages purchased: 2

Today I woke up and had nowhere to go. It was officially my first Monday being unemployed. Five year plan be damned. Five year plan: rubbish (five year plan: secure job at Art Institute, audit writing classes, publish memoir, go back to grad school, become mid-level administrator for academic institution). It was a modest plan. I was okay with some mediocrity, as long as I made ends meet.

Watched boyfriend get ready for work in the morning. Boyfriend has great position at ad agency, of which I am slightly jealous. Because unemployed, I have been asked by boyfriend to run errand for him while he works. Gladly accepted the chance to feel productive and contribute to relationship. Lately feeling of inadequacy surface. Differences between dating me and owning house pet: very few. Very troublesome.

Days without shower: 2

Reasons to care: 0

Out the door I went with a spritz of cologne and a cigarette. Should really quit smoking to reserve funds. Boyfriend has been buying cigarettes to ween me off awful habit. Cigarettes smoked today:

waking up cigarette, sets the tone for the rest of the day
walk to train cigarette, makes the walk go by faster
walk to S-bux cigarette, makes coffee taste better
running errand cigarette, makes running errands fun
after lunch cigarette, helps digestion

Ran into college friends at Art Institute sculpture garden, eagerly awaiting their futures. Hope: sophomoric. Ran into fellow alumni with jobs who had no choice but to offer their opinion on my jobless situation. When you’re unemployed everyone who has a job becomes an expert on getting a job. These said jobbers will offer their advice whether or not it is asked for. Friend with job offered karmic advice: close eyes and envision the perfect job, open eyes and say, “Zack job click click click.” Technique is called karma clicks. Nodded head and tried to appear as though I were taking advice to heart. Had errant thought about birds.

Birds:

Nature’s alarm clock

Stale bread disposal

Make the corner of Wabash and Madison look like a bird shit Jackson Pollock painting

Walked around H&M and thought about purchasing cardigan but resisted the temptation. Heard catchy MGMT song. Being downtown when unemployed proves very depressing.

Pushed out of the way on train by dreadful woman with equine face.

Number of times I hit refresh on my blackberry email inbox while on train: 7

Number of new emails: 0

Keep thinking job will call, job will email me, will be spotted on the street by stranger and appear superbly employable and be offered a job. Except: unshowered and sweaty from running errand, does not appear employable. Should really shave. Boyfriend says spotty facial hair makes me look like a teenager trying to grow a beard and failing miserably.

Listened to Coldplay and searched for jobs on Craigslist. It must work for someone, why not me? I ask myself this of life in general. I see lots of people making it, significantly more than not. So why not me? I feel as though I did everything right in college, built a solid resume, admittedly never learned to type, but still did my best without this skill. You may say: It’s just a bad economy, you’re just out of college, you’ll find something. Those would be nice things to say but not helpful. It’s not anyone’s fault, I just have a limited number of things I want to hear people say right now.

Things I want to hear people say:

We’re pleased to offer you a position

Errant thought: ants in apartment, must do something about this. Usually at boyfriend’s apartment, tends to neglect own residence. Only return to apartment to change clothes and store things. Apartment: 475$/mo closet.

Received missed call from the following number: 10000000000

God’s phone number?

Off to go apply for more jobs. Tomorrow: another day.

Kind Regards,

Zack